LOVE HURTS:
i can't think of a single word to describe the feeling i used to feel the first time i give my fuckin heart to sum1, just to end up in great pain..
i maybe not as expressive as the general population of the gurls are, i am the kind of person who hides what i feel even if it kills me. but htough i am no expressive type as them , i also get hurt and the pain i felt strucked me in my heart as if someone strike a vampire with a bamboo stick on the heart. as the readers digest once posted " a person's hearty become weaker the time it acts opposing what it really feels: for me? i only get stronger everytime i opposingly act to what i felt...physic'ly and emotion'ly stronger than before..
i got hurt the first tym i loved ( i always and always be), i thought that would be the best way that tym, but i was wrong/..
OBSERVATION:
SOME people say that i am or i have a heart as hard as the stone for not granting what i and he felt ( i was afraid that tym- that i could hurt someone's feeling and hurt her)..people always say that straight to my very face, coz they may have felt the lkove that guy have offered and given to me, but just take that for granted (but i really did not- coz every night in my sleep, i am being huinted by my conscience, by my love for him). he's just a friend..a friend..
( a friend i should not love- for i would be just hurtin someone's feeling if i do so and i won't let that happen..i coul;d not take that someone is in hurt because of me)
i tried not to show what i really felt even if it hurts. i laughed and smile though am breakin deep with in. this is my way of defending myself against any possib;le pain ands avoiding the tears to fall from myt eyes ( it will just cause eye bags - cjhaks)
defense mechani8sm as it seem but am just really tryin not to be hurt agaian..just gurading myself., guarding my heart6 not to be hurt again and agian..by nonsense..
i just knopw thatr i should not let myself be hurt again..
that tym i know and i can feel that he really loves me, but time is against what we wabted, odds are getting obvious, love is not the sople solution and answer to the happenings that tym..
i want to visibly loved himk..i want him to feel that i love him, but again i just cant do things the way i wanted them to happen..,
so, i push myself harder tpo thinggs that could posssibly make me busy, so that i could forget him, i could forget the love,, forget that i love him..
our family may know each other but not the real shot between the two of us...
i love the gurl,, i do love her and i dont want her to get hurt.. everytym he could possibl;y get the chance of tralking to me and get closer to me, i personal;ly killed the very possibility.he tried every way he could bu8t iotwas me who pushed me away from me . push him to marry her...
years have passed the feeling wasd still der, everytm he get5s closer i can fell the electricity running thru my very veins esp when he holds my hands..but my decision is final " i wont hurt someone just to be happy"
years have passed and i heard form a friuend that he already proposed to the gurl i was trying not to hurt for a long tym already, when i heard bout that i beame anxious, i have cursed his name. my hearts beats twice than its normal beatit made mme cry again, but as i fell the heat running thru my eyes i realized that it wasn't her npor his fault. it was mine.because i was the one who tried to be away from him...
calming myself was the best way that ty,m. coz i cant do a single thing to change w2hat have just happened and i wont change it either.....smile surfaces my very face when i real;ized that i shpould be happy npot just for them but also for myself for i haven't done anything rude and havent hurt someone except me myself is in great pain and deep misery...
REVELATION:
as stated he was my first love and i did really loved him,.second i am happy for what i have did/done/..
third and the most important thing is that i know that i am no hurt by other people but my self have had hurt me,,,
i teach and let myself be hurt by me, (though for some ridiculous and good reason)..i have let myself be hurt, but it was the people who sorrounds me who used that to their advantaged for their ruthless plan- ruining someones life (CHARS)
LOVING INDEED IS TO MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY , EVEN TO THE EXTENT OF YPUR OWN LOSS..
LOVE IS A GAME ANYONE SHOULD BE AWARE OF...
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